My journey to today’s engagement

My journey to today’s engagement

Aref Dajani

April 14, 2019

When I was a teenager and so many around me were enjoying romantic exploits, I felt neither attractive nor attracted to anyone.

In my first year of college, I sought out counseling to figure out where I was going in my life. I was encouraged to feel my feelings. I was shocked to realize that I was attracted to men and not women. Was it because I did not like how I felt in my own body? Maybe, but I accepted with zero hesitation that it was how I felt. That feeling terrified me, because I was and am today a practicing Muslim. The way that I was brought up as a Muslim, there was zero tolerance for homosexuality.

Looking for spiritual guidance did not help me find answers, but helped me feel less alone. I taught at the Sunday school where I grew up and was elected to my mosque’s lay Board of Directors at the age of 22, the youngest up to that time. I remained firmly closeted and did not date anyone, even though I was strongly encouraged to get married and have children. I was terrified of getting married, particularly to someone of my religion or ethnicity. I was terrified of what would happen if I would have children and someday, later on, I would decide to live my truth.

One fateful night, I received a phone call that I would never forget. A parent called me to thank me for what a good job I was doing on the Board of Directors, that I was an excellent example for his own children. I hung up the phone, dwelling on “if they only knew”. I pictured torches and pitchforks “if they only knew”. I sank into a deep depression and resigned from the Board after only one year because I felt like a fraud, a hypocrite.

If they only knew.

At my second of three graduate schools, I met the woman who would become my wife. One evening in the first year of my relationship, I came out to her on the steps of Old Main at Penn State University.  She looked confused. “Then why would you want to date me?” For me, it was obvious. “I can’t live as a gay man, not with my family, my religion. Society! I will be faithful for you as long as we are together.”

My ex-wife used to always say that I would take a long time for me to make up my mind, then I would never look back. Four years into our relationship, twenty-five years ago, I finally mustered up the courage to pop the question on a marble bench in a bamboo pavilion in the National Botanical Gardens of the Bahamas in Nassau. All scripted; she had no idea. She said Yes.

In the three years that we were engaged, she tried to break off the engagement twice. If her issue were my sexual orientation, I would not have pushed back. Each time she broke off the engagement, she said it was for two reasons: (a) my family would turn me against her or (b) once married, I would become an Alpha Muslim Male and treat her badly. I knew neither would come true and they did not.

For thirteen years we were married. Though she converted to Islam, my family – except for my mother — rejected her. My mother was the only one in my family who attended my wedding. Thirteen years later, my wife and I amicably ended our marriage, as amicably as any marriage I have ever heard of. Our divorce had zero to do with my family or orientation. During our mandated separation, I decided to live my truth. Slowly, carefully, I came out. At one point, I spent time with a woman, but I knew that my future would be with men.

Seven years ago, I met the man who is now my fiancé. We both had significant emotional baggage which led to many bumps along our journey. He taught me the meaning of commitment when he got my mother into an excellent rehabilitation center for the last four months of her life, comforted me when she passed away, and stood by me every step of the way last summer when I had a craniotomy at Johns Hopkins. He took a month off work to help me heal after the surgery.

The Qur’an condemns those men who lust for other men. For me, my feelings toward my fiancé are not lust. His feelings toward me are not lust. Our feelings are rooted in love. That distinction was exemplified for me four years ago when I underwent the once-in-a-lifetime Pilgrimage to Makkah: the Hajj. This was one year after my mother died and one year after I came out to my entire immediate family, one of whom threatened physical violence against me.

Turning my gaze to the heavens in Saudi Arabia, the question I asked over and over during the Hajj was this: “I know who I am. I know that this is not a choice for me. How Do You want me to serve You?” The response was always, “You know what to do.” I kept responding in turn, “Then why do I keep asking?!” “You know what to do.”

On the most holy day of the Hajj, on the Plains of Arafah, I finally was given the insight that I sought, the words I waited for thirty years to hear. “If you love from the head or if you love from the groin, then gender matters. But if you love from the heart or if you love from the spirit, there is no gender.” Upon returning home the Hajj, I made the commitment to love from the heart, love from the spirit, and never look back.

In Islam, God Has no gender. Similarly, Love has no gender. Gender is obviously relevant for the act of procreation, but that’s not why I believe people should be partnered. Fidelity is critical for the wellbeing of any couple, family, and society. The respective genders of the couple are irrelevant, so long as there is faithful, monogamous commitment between them. Same-sex couples who wish to parent must surrogate or adopt, the latter a tremendous service to society.

For those who seek to condemn me for what they consider a lifestyle choice, by all means stand in line behind my immediate family. They did not attend my mother’s funeral because they could not stand the fact that she not only accepted me for living my truth, but also sincerely loved the man who is today my fiancé. Like a son.

For those who believe that I am no longer a Muslim, an Arab, a Palestinian, or a Dajani, simply move on and do not look back. I already have a Muslim Imam trained in al-Madinah who has agreed to marry me to my fiancé; I spoke with him this evening. I personally know gay Muslims, Arabs, Palestinians, and yes, even gay Dajanis. Not all of them are closeted. One is a fellow Muslim Arab Palestinian Sufi. He lives in my dad’s hometown of Jaffa today.

I will continue to speak my truth to bring peace to the Middle East. I will continue to speak my truth to bring unity to people of faith. If you seek to dismiss me because of my orientation, know that I have not changed. I am the same person that you have ever known, as long as you have known me.

So why the heck am I coming of the closet now? First of all, I came out of the closet ever since I started dating the man who will become my husband, seven years ago. I have only remained in the closet with the general Muslim, Arab, and Palestinian community, plus one Roman Catholic family that I hold in high esteem.

I am completely coming out of the closet now because I am not going to have a secret engagement or a secret marriage. I have no shame in who or what I am. I very much love the man who will be my husband.

My feelings are rooted in love. I sincerely pray that you have found or will find the love of your life. Praise God, I have found mine.

Thanks for listening.